any good jokes?

[MayhemFortson]

Anyone heard any good jokes lately?

[Bunz]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

 

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

 

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this

time of night?"

 

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

 

[Bunz]

Same sex marriage

Fred and Larry got married in California ..



They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's
house for their first married night together.





In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast.





As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred
and Larry are up yet.





She replies, 'No'.





Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'



His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!  Just go to
school.'



Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,  'Are Fred and Larry up
yet?'



She replies, 'No.'



Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'





His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back
to school '



After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,


'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'



His mom says, 'No.'



He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'





His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'



He says:  'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I
think...



...I gave him my airplane glue.'

[Bunz]

Christmas Lights


 

  I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, they remind me of illegal immigrants .

They all hang  together , half of the fuckers don't work, 
and the ones that do aren't that bright.

 

[Pegasus1]

Here's one

[WhatARush]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-49, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

[ryoung57]

Along the same lines:

Kid gets stopped for speeding. The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

[Bunz]

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!?

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new Truck

[alonso6]

I don't get it , I guess I'm not that bright

[/B]

Originally Posted by Bunz

Christmas Lights
[[/B]

*

**I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, they remind me of illegal immigrants .

They all hang* together , half of the fuckers don't work,*
and the ones that do aren't that bright.

*

[ryoung57]

stolen but too funny to pass up:


A BIBLE FOR MOM
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and Lawyers . One evening , they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida .
The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, " And I had a large theatre built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she Can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who Told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took ten Preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 A year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to Name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
" Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one Room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, So never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm Nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the Good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much." Love, Mom